Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover

Angry New Ager Magazine. Spring Quarter 2022. Vol 1. No.2 

According to Paul Simon, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. However, in his 1975 song about this, he only enumerates five ways to do so. Through extensive research, scanning of archival original documents, and interviews with remaining lover leavers Stan, Roy, and Lee, we have managed to piece together some of the other 50 ways to leave your lover.

  • Steal a big truck, Chuck — Heavy-duty departure.
  • Fly a balloon, June — Majestic, high-altitude exit.
  • Vault on a mule, Yule — Slow, but steady.
  • Sail out to sea, Bea — Nautical isolation.
  • Ride on a sled, Ned — Best for winter climates.
  • Take the A-Train, Blane  — Classic departure move.
  • Jump on a trike, Mike — Low-speed pursuit protection.
  • Paddle a kayak, Jack — Clean, river-based breakaway.
  • Hijack a jet, Chet — High-speed aerial getaway.
  • Stow in a van, Dan — Hidden transport strategy.
  • Climb over the wall, Paul. —Athletic escape.
  • Clone a new fake, Blake — Leave a decoy behind.
  • Vanish in smoke, Bloke — Classic stage-magician move.
  • Shave the cat, Pat. — Cruel but effective
  • Punch the pug, Doug. — Same
  • Peel the fuzz off a peach, Cheech. — Escape with snacks.
  • Hide in a crate, Nate. — Needs proper postage.
  • Disguise as a plant, Grant. — Blend in with the fiddle-leaf fig.
  • Crawl down the drain, Blaine. — Unpleasant, but stealthy.
  • Sprint through the bog, Dog. — Heavy mud prevents pursuit.
  • Say, “The check’s in the mail, Dale.— Avoids creditors too.
  • Blend in the crowd, McCloud — High-density camouflage.
  • Duck behind a tree, Dee — Basic line-of-sight break.
  • Drop through a hatch, Patch — Instant vertical escape.
  • Dress like a mime, Sime — Silent getaway.
  • Hide under a sheet, Pete. — Disappear without going anywhere.
  • Fake a big sneeze, Louise — Create chaos, then sprint.
  • Join the parade, Wade — Merge right into the brass section.
  • Rappel down a rope, Hope — High-action vertical exit.
  • Roll down a hill, Bill — High-momentum departure.
  • Smoke a whole bowe, Joel.  — Stoner escape.
  • Zip down a wire, Briar — Aerial zip-line escape.
  • Scale up a fence, Spence — Perimeter traversal.
  • Slide down the chute, Luke — Emergency exit style.
  • Fake your own death, Beth.  — Drastic escape.
  • Make like a tree and leave, Steve. — Classic
  • Step out for a cigarette, Bett.— How Daddy disappeared.
  •  Take a trip to France, Lance. — Hard to extradite.
  •  Fold into origami, Tommy — Crease yourself seven times until you are a paper crane, then 
  • Jump in a lake, Jake.— Messy, but just might work.
  • Get hit by a bus, Russ. — Gruesome and final.
  • Cancel the lease, Reese. — Legal administrative exit.
  • Hide in a trunk, Monk — Thorough inventory removal.
  • Turn off the light, Dwight. — Dark room, quick exit.
  • Hide under the bed, Fred. — Not sustainable. You have to come out sometime.