Orientation Memo for New Research Center Fellows

THE ANTI-ROBOT RESEARCH CENTER

Subterranean Headquarters & Select Well-Ventilated Garages

MEMORANDUM

TO: Newly Inducted Research Fellows
FROM: Office of Unstandardized Operations & Personnel Safety
DATE: October 7, 2026

SUBJECT: Welcome to the Resistance: Orientation & Onboarding Guidelines

Welcome to The Anti-Robot Research Center. You have been selected from fringe academic circles for your complete disregard for standardized methodology, your healthy paranoia regarding smart home ecosystems, and your willingness to work in environments with variable oxygen levels.

As a Research Fellow, you are on the front lines of pseudo-scientific innovation. Below are your mandatory onboarding directives:

1. Facility Access & Physical Security

  • Subterranean Complex Entry: Access is granted via the analog turnstile behind Garage #2. Do not use the keypad; it was compromised by a rogue microwave in 2024.
  • Garage #3 Quarantine: Garage #3 remains strictly off-limits. Following last month’s breakthrough in sentient toaster intimidation, the ambient tension in that room is high enough to trip circuit breakers.

2. Standard Attire & PPE

  • Lab Coats: Heavy-duty cotton lab coats must be lined with a minimum of two (2) layers of heavy-duty aluminum foil to scramble ambient smart-speaker telemetry.
  • Eye Protection: Glare-Amplification Visors (Model GAV-9) must be worn at all times when traversing the Smart Appliance Testing Wing. Direct, unshielded eye contact with hyper-intelligent espresso machines is prohibited.

3. Equipment & Testing Protocols

  • No Peer Review: Peer review is strictly banned. If your study can be replicated, your methodology was too consistent and must be adjusted immediately.
  • Analog Supremacy: All field notes must be hand-written on yellow legal pads or typed on mechanical typewriters. Any fellow caught storing notes in “the Cloud” will be assigned to 30 days of vacuum-cleaning boundary duty.

4. Daily Schedule

  • 08:00 AM: Morning Briefing & Glare Calibration Exercises.
  • 10:30 AM: Field Trial: Deploying the Infinite Hallway Roomba Confounder.
  • 01:00 PM: Lunch (Bring manual can openers; electric appliances in the breakroom have been decommissioned for safety).
  • 03:30 PM: Psychological Operations: Passive-aggressive whisper trials against commercial-grade lawnmowers.
  • 05:00 PM: Daily Debrief & Foil Replacement Session.

“Progress is measured not by how fast machines learn, but by how deeply we can confuse them.”

Sign your acknowledgment form below using graphite only.