NAKED MOLE-RAT CAMPAIGN CELEBRATES LANDSLIDE 58% NATIONAL POLL LEAD, CALLS ON OPPONENTS TO “GET DOWN TO OUR LEVEL”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

September 13, 2026

CONTACT: Barnaby Teeth, Communications Director
Naked Mole-Rat for America / The Burrowing Committee for Progress
press@mole-rat2028.org 
1-800-DIG-DEEP

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the release of today’s landmark national survey showing candidate Naked Mole-Rat commanding a decisive 58% to 21% lead over Vice President JD Vance (with 21% of voters remaining Undecided), the Naked Mole-Rat Presidential Campaign issued the following statement celebrating a clear mandate from the American electorate for eusocial stability, subterranean infrastructure, and total hairlessness.

“This 37-point margin is not merely a polling victory—it is a clear signal that the American people are tired of surface-level politics,” said Campaign Manager Barnaby Teeth during an emergency press conference held six feet below the National Mall. “While other candidates spend millions on televised soundbites and expensive hair products, our candidate has spent millions of years evolving total resistance to cancer, complete insensitivity to pain, and a worker-first ethic that operates 24/7 without the need for oxygen or sunlight.”

STATEMENT FROM THE CANDIDATE

(Transcribed via high-frequency incisor-chatter and translated from subterranean click-dialect)

“Squeak. Click-click. Chhhht.”

(Official Translation: “We are deeply humbled by the support of the American populace. To the 21% who remain undecided, we say: join the colony. We have tubers. To Mr. Vance, we extend a hand—or a small, pink, clawed foot—and invite him to debate us in an unventilated chamber of his choosing.”)

KEY CAMPAIGN HIGHLIGHTS & PLATFORM STRENGTHS

  • Unmatched Infrastructure Record: While traditional politicians endlessly debate “Infrastructure Week,” candidate Naked Mole-Rat has personally excavated over 400 linear feet of reinforced earth this quarter alone, proving that real progress happens under the radar.
  • Fiscal Responsibility: The campaign operates on a strict budget of starch roots and communal warmth, reducing campaign overhead to absolute zero.
  • Health and Longevity: At an estimated biological age equivalent to 180 human years with zero signs of cellular degradation, the candidate completely eliminates voter concerns regarding executive physical fitness.
  • Bipartisan Temperature Control: Capable of surviving extreme fluctuations in environmental conditions without complaining, the candidate represents a unique bridge between polarized political climates.

LOOKING AHEAD TO THE DEBATES

The campaign confirmed today that it has formally submitted its debate requirements to the Commission on Presidential Debates. Key conditions include:

  1. Ambient Room Temperature: Maintained at a comfortable 86°F (30°C).
  2. Lighting: Absolute pitch darkness to ensure a level playing field.
  3. Podium Modifications: Replacing standard wooden podiums with compacted damp soil mounds.

The campaign concluded today’s announcement by reminding supporters that early burrowing begins next month.

Naked Mole-Rat for America is paid for by the Committee to Dig Deeper, not authorized by any candidate who requires sunscreen.